1. Determine the tolerance limit in your area by experimentation.

Cops’ tolerance limits vary from place to place and also across different times of the day. First travel five mph over the speed limit. If you don’t get a ticket, increase your speed further. Continue this till you get a ticket, and then you will come to know what speed you can travel safely without getting caught.

If, after determining the tolerance limit, you still get pulled over, than it means only one thing – your experiment was wrong. Start all over again.

2. Look out for change in speed limits.

In rural roads for example, while approaching towns, the speed limits decrease to really low levels in stages - 55, 45, 25 etc. For example, in a rural town in Delaware the speed limit is –15 mph (negative). On entering the zone motorists have to shift to reverse gear, take a right turn at a designated place and then take a parallel road out of town.

3. Remain with the traffic so you don’t get singled out.

I gave this advice to a friend who followed it to the letter. Driving home one day, he kept following the other cars. An hour later he woke up to find out he missed his exit and was sixty miles away from home. You don’t have to be like him. If you’re attentive you can still stop when you’re just thirty miles off course, and then return home.

4. Keep watching your rear view mirror.

A cop can sneak up behind you without your knowledge, and it is possible that all of a sudden you see flashing red and blue lights in your rear view mirror. To avoid that happening keep an eye on the mirror at all times.

If you still get pulled over from behind because of your negligence, change your rear view mirror.

5. Some motorists are compulsive speeders and they can’t but drive fast. If you are one of them, then, while traveling from one place to another, first traverse the entire distance at a slower speed to make sure there are no cops on the way. Then come back and travel at your ‘normal’ speed.

The wife of a compulsive speeder had his speedometer adjusted so it always showed ten miles more than the true speed. Slowly he began to realize there was a discrepancy between the speedometer and the car clock. She had that adjusted too. Now he drives around thinking he is speeding and thus saving time, but is safe from getting a ticket. You can try this technique too.

6. Train yourself to identify cops.

Cops usually are found hiding in medians, behind bridge buttresses, trees, shrubs, bushes, grass blades etc. Usually they are seated in a cop car, which is easy to recognize. The way to differentiate a cop car from other cars is to check who is driving it. If the driver is a cop, then it is a cop car.

Again, cops, in case you don’t know how they look like, are those people who drive cop cars.

Sometimes cops travel in ‘unmarked’ cars. Unmarked cop cars resemble cars driven by Martians. They have antennas all over them. Ask yourself this question when you come across such a vehicle – “Do I want to be seen driving that car by my friends?’ If the answer is no, slow down.

One of my friends, who never speeded, still used to brake at the sight of each vehicle. If you are as nervous as her rest assured that cops only travel in cars. Some of the things cops are not known to drive are – horse-driven carriages, boats, ships and army tanks. I’m not really sure about army tanks. Check your state’s drivers’ instruction manual for that.

7. Get a radar detector.

If you’re going to do this, then get a good radar detector. One of my friends had one that kept beeping every second that I initially mistook it for a MP3 player playing some kind of music. He braked at each beep. The following statistics show how much time my friend took to travel different distances and also explain why you shouldn’t use such an instrument.

For a 15 minute commute:

Time taken at normal speed – 15 min

Time taken while speeding – 12 min

Time taken while speeding with radar detector – 1 hr 12 min

For a 420 mile drive:

Time taken at normal speed – 7 hrs

Time taken while speeding – 6 hrs 12 min

Time taken while speeding with radar detector – 17 hrs

For a round trip to the moon:

Time taken at normal speed – 7672.65 hrs

Time taken while speeding – 6891.23 hrs

Time taken while speeding with radar detector – Not possible. Universe will collapse by the time he’s back.

If you’re using a radar detector, be ready to hide it somewhere when pulled over by a cop. My friend had a spare car battery handy. He exchanged it with the radar detector whenever pulled over and cops could never prove he tried to speed intentionally.

8. Don’t speed.

You will never get a speeding ticket if you follow this rule. Observe this rule along with the previous ones and you’ll be doubly safe.

9. Fly.

This is a better tip than the previous one. If you want to travel from Washington DC to Chicago, and you think you’ll speed if you drive, then park your car at the airport and fly instead.

If you are traveling to a different place, this tip may not apply to you.

Finally, if you still get a ticket in spite of observing all these tips, all I can say is - you wasted your time reading this piece.